I am a black hole again. It’s back. I am just thankful I know that I can’t just feed the black hole what it wants. It will just feel more and more empty. Things don’t get better apart from Christ doing his work in me.
My desire can’t be for anything besides him. My eyes cannot look away from his beautiful face, yet they have. I must retrain them.
Look, eyes, look upon your savior. His shining face. Enjoy him, enjoy each other.
I tell myself:
Do not grow insecure.
Do not grow critical of other people.
I can’t help it. The sin goes so deep and I can’t just not feel this way. It’s who I am.
My good deeds aren’t good. Today I resisted the temptation to be thoughtful. If I had been it would have been sin because I wouldn’t have been thinking of the other person, I would have given them something, relying completely on their reception of it to validate me. And it wouldn’t have worked. No reaction they could give me would make me feel any better for more than a moment. And because it wouldn’t have worked, I would now be that much deeper in despair because the thing that promised to satisfy—approval—failed to fulfill its promise.
Now what? The answer is always Jesus. I don’t have to try new things to see if they satisfy. I’ve seen enough. I believe. I already know that he is the one answer. So I will only love because I understand the love I’ve received, not because I need more.
Steve says that I am a sprinkler attached to a hose (the gospel of Christ is the water, God is its source). The sprinkler isn’t responsible for the water (good deeds) coming out, but if the water isn’t coming, my heart isn’t right. There is a clog. Something is wrong. Where’s the clog?
You know something is really wrong when the sprinkler wants to be watered.
And again, I pray. And again, he’ll change me.
The good news is that this is not a regression into sin. There is no guilt. Just a freedom to move forward in the light of his love. The sin I see now was already in me. Now it’s coming to the surface.
I wouldn’t feel like this if he weren’t pursuing me. I wouldn’t see how sinful I am if he weren’t in the process of rescuing me from it. Breathe deeply. Salvation is in the air.