As an update to my last post, you should know that upon sitting down, seeking to be filled with light, overwhelming joy descended on me immediately, so that when Emilie walked in just a few minutes later, I greeted her with a full and silly smile which stood in contrast to my assertion that it had been a rough day.
Last week I experienced major hesitations about even being in a relationship. Talking to Jamie made me rethink things even more. It was a good talk, though. She wanted to make sure that I could feel free to enjoy the situation that I am in, or change it, if need be. I know from past conversations with her that her marriage to Steve is as strong as it is because of their years of friendship that preceded it. God’s grace to them was that they could know and love one another without the complication of relationship stuff. Unfortunately, that is not a situation that I can manufacture. It is often confusing to start a relationship that doesn’t have years behind it, but maybe God’s grace to me looks different. I need to trust in it and stop being so concerned with my ability or inability to control how that relationship develops.
The better I get to know my boyfriend, the more feel like my mind is completely blown by how good of a match he is. We got to spend a long weekend in Portland and seeing him all day every day for a few days made me feel like I’d known him for a long time. We’re so much closer.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I really don’t buy it. Absence helps when you like the version of a person that you keep in your head better than their presence. (That isn’t completely true, I know. There are valid uses of the phrase, but for me it doesn’t really work now.) I prefer the reality of him to the idea of him.
God’s grace to me in this moment is a new best friend (yes I still mean the boyfriend), a new brother in Christ, whom I constantly lift up in my heart through prayer, and for whom I delight in being a stepping stone toward godliness.