A Post I Will Share in Spite of My Fear of Sounding Angsty

I’m on the outside of everything, striving to be on the inside and failing. Thus, I respond by being a complete bitch. I almost sent about three different passive aggressive texts to my boyfriend this morning, before understanding and feeling deeply that the problem was my own. I deleted them and wept.

You know that obnoxious, demanding high-maintenance girlfriend that sometimes shows her face in movies? In my heart, I am her. I am helpless to not be her, because my impulse reaction to the feeling I woke up with is to make other people feel guilty for not catering to my need, which is beyond their reach. I want to accuse people of hurting me even when I know that they have the best intentions. Then they will feel like failures with me.

I am a black hole and I will steal your light.

This is when I close the door, I sit on the floor and ask for the-only-one-with-enough-light-to-fill-a-black-hole to come.

As Jan used to say (and probably still says), “Do not depart until you have light.” (Side note on that. I saw the pictures for the Antone Weekend for discipleship and my heart was sad and left out. I wished I could have been there, then felt like I wouldn’t have belonged. Self-pity is not an allowance I give myself. To be as blessed as I am and feel like I do is completely unacceptable. It is based on absolute lies and it will not stand.)

Lord, I am coming and I will not leave without your light. Please be near and do not hide yourself from me.

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About Jacquelyn Barnes

Former English Literature and Writing major at Whitworth University. Spanish Language minor. Browne's Addition Resident. Editorial Assistant at Gray Dog Press. Interested in postcolonial, multicultural, and feminist theories. Former ski racer. Longboarder. Runner. Member of Vintage Faith Community Church (we have no building). Painter. Morning person. View all posts by Jacquelyn Barnes

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