I’m on the outside of everything, striving to be on the inside and failing. Thus, I respond by being a complete bitch. I almost sent about three different passive aggressive texts to my boyfriend this morning, before understanding and feeling deeply that the problem was my own. I deleted them and wept.
You know that obnoxious, demanding high-maintenance girlfriend that sometimes shows her face in movies? In my heart, I am her. I am helpless to not be her, because my impulse reaction to the feeling I woke up with is to make other people feel guilty for not catering to my need, which is beyond their reach. I want to accuse people of hurting me even when I know that they have the best intentions. Then they will feel like failures with me.
I am a black hole and I will steal your light.
This is when I close the door, I sit on the floor and ask for the-only-one-with-enough-light-to-fill-a-black-hole to come.
As Jan used to say (and probably still says), “Do not depart until you have light.” (Side note on that. I saw the pictures for the Antone Weekend for discipleship and my heart was sad and left out. I wished I could have been there, then felt like I wouldn’t have belonged. Self-pity is not an allowance I give myself. To be as blessed as I am and feel like I do is completely unacceptable. It is based on absolute lies and it will not stand.)
Lord, I am coming and I will not leave without your light. Please be near and do not hide yourself from me.