My New Heart Is Tested (And It Feels Extreme)

God has done a work in me. Allowing me to let my life be interrupted far beyond what I am capable of dealing with in my human condition. But the Lord has plans far beyond that. He is going to let this situation sanctify me to the absolute fullest.

I am being tested.

Here are the tests in no particular order:

I came home from work having been up since 5 am. I almost fell asleep on my way home. There was terrible traffic for the time of day.

Yesterday I spent the day in the sun, was awake for 18 hours, ran 4 miles, swam, and tried to go wake-boarding (making several failed attempts).

My room is still full of baby things.

Baby Marley is banging on the coffee table with jar lids.

She tried to wake me up from my much-needed nap twice.

She spilled my latte twice after I told her not to touch it over and over and over. The second time she spilled the whole thing and then splashed in the puddle, splashing my computer screen and keyboard, which I just wiped off with a baby wipe. (This is particularly difficult for me since my computer is expensive, I can’t afford to replace it, and I just had the keyboard and display replaced. Thank God a clean computer is not necessary to sustain the joy I’ve been given or I would be selfish, hoarding, and worried when I loaned it to anyone.)

Now she’s throwing used baby wipes at me. And now screaming because I wouldn’t give them back to her.

As I made a late lunch and early dinner for myself (shrimp and couscous definitely helped me to feel physically better), I closed my eyes and asked for the love of Christ for Marley and her mother to wash over me once again.

The overwhelming feeling of wanting my life to be all mine was not a welcome one.

I felt his love wash over me anew. I will need to ask for grace refills, Alot, I can tell. I am so glad the heavens are wide open and pouring the Holy Spirit over my head so I can feel it run into my eyes and stream down my neck, watch it seep into my skin and cover every inch–fill every corner of me, slowly, but surely.

Praise the Lord for Baby Marley. She is making me so much holier.

Deep breath. Release. Another one. Release. It’s not my life. It’s his. And it is so much richer this way.

Also, I had a nice chat with my boss today about the potential of a WordPress blog. I might link to this one and continue making posts on the my WordPress. A long time ago (a couple of years, maybe) I tried to switch this blog over, but I was unable to move the whole archive over. Now, I don’t care, the sooner the better. I will let you know when it is set up. Sorry, lj, when you don’t keep improving your service, you lose people. I can’t afford to be dated.

UPDATE: In case you missed it. I did move my blog. And now I’ve moved this post over from it and you are reading it on my new blog. Woo hoo!

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About Jacquelyn Barnes

Former English Literature and Writing major at Whitworth University. Spanish Language minor. Browne's Addition Resident. Editorial Assistant at Gray Dog Press. Interested in postcolonial, multicultural, and feminist theories. Former ski racer. Longboarder. Runner. Member of Vintage Faith Community Church (we have no building). Painter. Morning person. View all posts by Jacquelyn Barnes

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